"Boys Under Attack!" Masturbation
"I don't believe a loving God would put a raging fire in an immature kid and then damn him for doing what he can't help doing"
Dr James Dobson "Focus on the Family"(5)
Not everyone masturbates, however most males will begin sometime in their teenage years.
THIS PAGE IS NOT HERE TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO BEGIN TO MASTURBATE!
This page is intended to help boys who masturbate to come to terms with the strong feelings, emotions, the inability to quit and the guilt often associated with masturbation.
Definitions
Masturbation - stimulating (usually rubbing) the penis to achieve orgasm and ejaculation.
Ejaculation literally means "suddenly" and refers to semen coming out of the erect penis. (slang - coming, shooting your wad, spooging)
Semen is the fluid in which sperm live. (slang - cum, jizz, spooge)
Orgasm - Intense feelings and muscle contractions associated with ejaculation.
Lust - craving, eagerness, desire, passion, urge
Fantasy - imagining (usually sexual acts) in order to achieve ejaculation
Other more common names
Wanking, Jerking off, Jacking off, Beating the meat, Beating off, Whacking off, Spanking the monkey.
The Concerns
Do other boys do it too?
Will people know I've been masturbating?
Why do I feel guilty after I've masturbated?
Why can't I stop doing it?
How often is too often?
Does masturbating mean I'm gay?
Will I go blind from masturbating?
Will I use up all my semen from masturbating too much?
Will I go to hell because I masturbate?
Will God punish me for masturbating?
The Facts
Surveys have consistently shown that more than 95% of males engage in masturbation, particularly during adolescence. (Some say the remainder are lying!) Dr Dobson of "Focus on the Family" notes that there is absolutely no controversy on these figures from any source!
Some surveys went on to say there was no difference in the rate of masturbation between boys brought up in a Christian environment compared to those brought up without Christian influence. The boys from Christian backgrounds did, however, feel more guilt over masturbation.
Boys cannot fail to know about masturbation at a young age since it is a regular topic in the school yard. (A 1998 internet survey(3) claimed 50% of boys had masturbated by their 13th birthday and 84% by their 14th birthday)
Will others know I have been masturbating?
I feared my friends would be able to tell. I thought I might act different or walk differently the next day after masturbating. I remember my peers accusing me of doing it, and I didn't say anything to defend myself, because I knew it was true. I tried to quit altogether a few times, although quitting never lasted more than a couple of days or a week at most.(3)
If you clean up after masturbating, then no-one will be able to tell - including a doctor! The only clue would be if your penis was red and sore from too much masturbation!
Why do I feel guilty afterwards?
After I'm done masturbating I usually feel guilty and don't know why. I know that almost 95% of all men do it, but I still feel guilty. It's like I'm hiding something.
- age 12, Canada (3)
How come whenever I'm done masturbating, I feel like I was being stupid and have the urge to put on my clothes immediately?
- age 14, New York (3)
That is an extremely common reaction, and it's almost certainly physiological (i.e., physical rather than mental) in origin. For most guys, something just shuts their brain off to sex when they're done ejaculating. For many, this manifests itself in the form of guilt -- that you were "being stupid" (as you put it), or they ask themselves, "Why did I just do that?" This is all normal, and you'll probably outgrow it as you get older.(3)
Some males find less problem with the feelings of guilt if they only masturbate before they go to sleep at night. That way the body and mind has many hours to chill out before tackling the outside world again.
Why can't I stop masturbating?
If I could go back 2 years, I would not have started to masturbate in the first place. First, I feel guilty. Second, it now takes up a lot of my time. Third, I don't think it has benefited me in any way — it has just made me less pure. I think masturbation is a waste of my time. I don't even really enjoy it, and I feel miserable afterwards. Why the heck can't I stop masturbating?
- age 17, Nova Scotia, Canada (3)
An internet survey(3) asked the following question about masturbation:
Question: Not counting your childhood, what is the most number of days you've gone without masturbating?
(a) 4 or less days 27.6%
(b) 5 or 6 days 22.7%
(c) 7 to 30 days 41.7%
(d) more than 30 days 8.0%
The results may be slanted by the background of the people answering a survey of this type, but as you can see, the trend is that not many males (<8%) could go without masturbating for more than a month!
The need to periodically release semen is so strong, especially in a young male, that the urge to masturbate is nearly unavoidable. Even if you are able to stop masturbating for a while (like a week), your body may respond by releasing semen at night in a nocturnal emission (or "wet dream").(3)
Many teenage boys are "touch deprived", partly because of their fear and other people's fear of being labeled "gay" and find masturbation a temporary comfort and release from their feelings of isolation.
The best advice seems to be that if find the need to masturbate, then to accept it as a normal part of your being.
Weird things happen when I stop masturbating
Once during the summer after my junior year (age 16), I was too tired at night to masturbate. I went an entire week this way. Toward the end of the week, not only was I having vivid sex dreams but I was almost hallucinating — everything I saw had a sexual component or context. I was "seeing" genitalia in all things (and in the worst possible ways). To tell you the truth, I don't recommend it.(3)
I'm 17. Recently I went a few days without masturbating, and to my surprise I found myself notably more attracted to girls. I suddenly found myself staring at girls I'd never noticed before, as if I were in love. Did my abstaining from masturbation lead to this at all?
Probably. If you're used to ejaculating regularly, going without can really mess with your head. The results can vary; in your case it seems to have been rather pleasant, but others report almost a temporary insanity, when you're liable to do things and think things you definitely wouldn't otherwise.(3)
Dr James Dobson in his video "Peer Pressure and Sexuality" explains that over time, the hormonal pressure inside a boy can increase to the point where even a girl simply walking into the room can trigger off an irreversible chain of events in his mind.
The desire for sexual expression becomes so strong that he invariably masturbates resulting in the hormonal pressure then dropping again.
Over time, the sexual pressure builds again and the boy will feel compelled to express the sexual pressure in his body again no matter how strong his determination was to 'never do it again'. (paraphrased from the video)
An unusual story!
It's really easy for me to put off masturbating. When I was 13, I masturbated for about a year but haven't done so since. I don't need to masturbate and I don't have a girlfriend. The buildup is expelled in my sleep about once every 2 months. ...it seems that I am the only person who does not masturbate.
- age 22, Australia (3)
What about the fantasies?
Basically, most ejaculations through masturbation and wet dreams involve a mental picture (fantasy or dream). The type of fantasy or dream can in itself be a source of guilt and self doubt to many boys. "I've always tried to be a good boy - I've never imagined or dreamt about people in that way before!"
I point out to men that if they have a problem with sexual fantasies or sexual temptation, they are not weird or oversexed as some think; they are very normal. This doesn't mean that this universal temptation is a license to sin.(7)
Whether it is from a wet dream or from exploring their body through masturbation, boys sooner or later will find themselves in a situation of fantasy and lust associated with orgasm, whether they want to be there or not.
It is normal for boys to have lustful (sexy) thoughts come into their head.
That is why the bible promotes to young men the next step to "flee youthful lusts". The endorsement is to learn to control the lust that has seemingly invaded your life with the awakening of your sexual nature.
Every male has two options:
Control the fantasies and lust as best he can and masturbate when the internal hormonal pressure causes the sexual pressure to build. This option keeps his sexual nature as an important part of his personality in the context originally designed.
Feed the fantasies and lust and cultivate a sexual desire increasingly out of control and dominating every aspect of his life. This option leads to excessive masturbation and then more problems including guilt and poor self image! This option also often leads to violating others in an attempt to gratify the lust which increasingly dominates his personality.
The more frequently a male masturbates, the more fantasy that is required to produce an orgasm each time.
Ideally, the teenager/ young adult should aim to delay masturbation until the hormonal pressure builds, then very little fantasy or, ideally, no fantasy at all is required to produce ejaculation.
I wish I would stop having gay fantasies. I'm not gay, yet I masturbate to gay fantasies.
- age 16, Italy(3)
The Internet Survey(3) reported a number of people whose fantasy was about males, although the people didn't consider themselves 'gay' and went on to have fulfilling heterosexual marriages. This was considered a fairly common occurrence since masturbation generally begins as a solo male activity involving the penis and the pleasurable feelings that go with it. It was not necessarily considered that this was an indication that the boy was 'gay'.
Masturbation should be an experience the boy practices alone.
Masturbation with other males strengthens the link of sexual excitement directed toward males.
This could direct a boy's sexuality in a direction he doesn't want it to go.
What you can do about it
Males are aroused sexually primarily by what they see with their eyes or with their mind's eye (imagination). They can also be aroused by other sources too e.g. touch or smell but often to a lesser extent. The general advice given to young people today is to indulge any thoughts that come into their minds. "If it feels good, do it"
The Bible is clear however:
Control what you allow your mind to feed on!
A teenager's thought life:
"You can't stop the birds from flying over the tree,
but you can stop them from making a nest there!"
The meaning is that you are going to experience sexual thoughts entering your mind which you can't stop - even when you are at church!
You do however, have the power to stop them from dominating your life completely!
a word of advice, don't look at porn, because somehow it'll draw u in and u'll be j/o before u know it(11)
Yes, it happens. Whenever I get really busy, I just forget to think about masturbation on a daily basis, so I forget to get horny on a daily basis. It's strange, and whenever I get un-busy, I remember, "Hey, I should masturbate today." Pause. "Whoa! I haven't masturbated in a while!" It normally lasts a week, sometimes as much as 2 weeks. This is usually the tactic I use whenever I want to stop masturbating — make myself busy!
- age 15, Mexico(3)
Q & A
How much masturbation is too much?
Every boy is created with a different temperament so it is difficult to define 'too much' masturbation. A few boys never masturbate (so they claim), others do it occasionally and at the other end of the spectrum, others do it several times a day.
If your life begins to revolve around masturbation (e.g. you schedule your day around masturbation) then you are probably allowing it too much emphasis in your life.
A singer from a prominent Christian music group was urging boys not to masturbate because of the lust associated with the activity. I've tried to quit and I can't - what advice do you have for me?
It is a balancing act for every male:
Every teenage boy has fantasies and lusts and will explore the connection between these, their sexual nature and masturbation.
Lust, however is something which every boy must learn to control as he grows older. (The bible advice is to "flee youthful lusts" [flee youthful cravings, passions and urges])
Even if you were able to stop all lust and totally stop masturbating, the hormonal pressure would build steadily inside you to the point where all sorts of people become sexually attractive to you. People you never even gave a second glance before!
At this point the act of masturbation requires very little or even no fantasy. This is probably the ideal compromise situation to aim for as an unmarried teen/adult.
If you are one of the many males who don't experience wet dreams, then masturbation is actually a means of self control! Masturbation reduces the forced sexual attraction associated with the increasing levels of hormonal pressure inside you! (time bomb effect)
Mental life then returns to normal for a period of time.
What the Bible says:
Nothing!
Because there are strong and loud differing views on this subject I have chosen to look to those who are highly regarded in the Christian community for their balanced views on tough subjects like this.
Dr James Dobson from "Focus on the Family" writes:
"It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God. It is a normal part of adolescence which involves no one else. It does not cause disease. It does not produce babies, and Jesus did not mention it in the Bible. I'm not telling you to masturbate, and I hope you won't feel the need for it. But if you do, it is my opinion that you should not struggle with guilt over it. Why do I tell you this? Because I deal with so many Christian young people who are torn apart with guilt over masturbation; they want to stop and just can't. I would like to help you avoid that agony." (5)
Gerald Coates, in his book "Kingdom Now" writes:
"Over this whole issue of masturbation, we have to face the fact that the Bible is completely silent about it. Those who lived 2,000 years ago had all the same basic desires and inclinations of a twentieth-century human being. The New Testament (as well as the Old Testament) continually directs us not to get drunk, rob, murder and swindle. Few believers have ongoing problems in those areas! It is amazing therefore that one thing most Christians experience, to some degree or other, is not actually even mentioned." (6)
"Compulsive masturbation, simply for the purpose of self gratification, with other people in mind is wrong. .....But masturbation for the purpose of self control is something altogether different. The act in and of itself is not wrong. When someone is under pressure to the point of distraction, whether single or married, it is often better that they relieve themselves - for at that point no mental stimulation is necessary."(6)
For Christians
When I first began to masturbate, I thought it was a sin. I would masturbate and then frantically pray for forgiveness. I would hold off for a week, and then it would happen again. Given the chance, I would go back and learn the truth...
- age 15, Georgia (3)
I am 70 years old, and how I wish there had been something like your site when I was a teen. The MISERY and GUILT I suffered is beyond description, as my family was VERY religious. I was well into adulthood and in the military before I found that masturbation was a normal private function. (3)
Dr. James Dobson says that boys from Christian / church backgrounds often have additional problems with masturbation.
Boys from these backgrounds are taught that there is an after-life and they will be held accountable for their life here on earth, many become plagued with unrelenting guilt over masturbation.
He goes on to say that many boys (including Christians) find masturbation absolutely uncontrollable. The boy feels he has sinned and asks God to forgive him and promises not to do it again. Sooner or later though, the accumulating hormonal pressure becomes all encompassing and he will find he is unable to keep his promise to God.
What does a boy say to God on the 300th time he has failed to live up to his promise to stop?
This boy is in incredible pain.
He feels bad about himself and "those" thoughts and guilt that won't stop even when he is church!
The pain becomes so great that we lose the young man to the church and to God because he simply has to escape from the inner turmoil.
Dr Dobson summarizes with the statement: "Masturbation is all encompassing!"
Boys and parents need to understand that masturbation (in Dr. Dobson's words) "is an inevitable developmental stage - it is going to happen!"
He concludes with the statement:
"If it happens to you, I wouldn't worry too much about it because I don't think it has much to do with your relationship to God"
Click here for more discussion on masturbation, particularly for Christians.
Finally:
"Even if you know it's normal and all that, you still lock the door! You don't go around advertising that you're doing it..... Everybody does it, but they sort of pretend they don't"(2)
16 year old boy USA
Further Information
The best resource I have found on this subject is the video "PREPARING FOR ADOLESCENCE- Peer Pressure and Sexuality" (James Dobson from Focus on the Family www.family.org). (I can't find it listed for sale there at the moment though) It is an excellent expose' of male sexuality suitable for both adults and teenagers.
13 "Is maturbation a sin?" - by a youth pastor www.themarriagebed.com/mastsin.shtml
14 "Advantages of Masturbation" - by Albert Ellis www.allaboutsex.org/advantagesofmasturbation_byellis.html
15 "Christians Can Masturbate, Too" www.proaxis.com/~solo/100198k.htm
16 "Flipping Off The Pleasure Police" www.proaxis.com/~solo/mst1.htm
17 "Advantages of Masturbation" www.proaxis.com/~solo/ellis.htm < same as 13 >
18 "Masturbation & Sex For Good Health" www.libchrist.com/sexed/masturbation.html
19 "Sex For One, Please..."www.AllAboutSex.org/sexforone.htm l
20 "Sex for One"www.io.com/~wwwomen/sexuality/sexforone.html
10 Masturbation is a gift of God http://inkaboutit.homestead.com/highlight2.html
Masturbation is a gift of God. Sex is a gift of God to us. Sexual lust is not evil lust, it is God designed human nature. Evil lust is hurtful and harmful to humans. Masturbation is healthy. Masturbation is good. Masturbation is God designed. Masturbation is good for you. Masturbation is for everyone to enjoy. http://inkaboutit.homestead.com/index6.html
The Liberated Christian and Masturbation,
the Bible and Sex. God made us and our
human nature, including our sexuality and said it was very good, accept for the "sin principal
part", which is:
unforgiving, selfish, greedy, unloving, bitter, hatred, unkind, no mercy,
conceited, provoking one another, envying one another, idolatry, sorcery,
hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, envy,
drunkenness, witchcraft, wrath, strife, murders, lies etc.
The spirit “of love” wars against the
flesh, "sin principal" part
of us.
Major Research on Sexuality in the Bible and the Liberated Christian. God made sexuality, both animal and human. He said it was very good. Only part of human nature is evil is the "sin principal part", not our sexuality or our nude human body. http://inkaboutit.homestead.com/index6.html
The Cause for a great deal of the sexual negativity in our culture. When did sex became bad? http://thinkaboutit.homestead.com/gnotic.html
Who, when, and How Sex Was Made A Sin?? http://inkaboutit.homestead.com/madesin.html
This page was last updated on: August 29, 2002
